


Once More

by Pappillon



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F, First Person, I'll write a happy ending one day., Whink diamond - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-25 00:52:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9795020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pappillon/pseuds/Pappillon
Summary: White Diamond shares the experience she had with Pink.





	

From the moment I emerged, others have always bowed to me. I remember my first few seconds of consciousness surrounded by rubble, destruction, and gems of an array of colors, pushing their faces into the dirt. 

They had made goddesses long before I, or the other Diamonds, ever showed up. They’re happiest when they have someone to serve. I came, and I was just what they had been searching for all of those years—someone enormous and glittering they could adore and fear. I gave them all a purpose, and they gave me an empire. 

I have to tell you the truth; the role has always made me slightly uncomfortable. Every gem I had ever met looked upon me with a kind of terror I never actually earned. To this day, I see them shaking whenever they address me. ‘My Diamond’ almost never has an even, confident tone. My gems quiver. Gems that don’t directly belong to me quiver more. Even the others, when I had gone to the site of their emergences, wore a certain terror until we embraced and they discovered that I hadn’t come to murder them. That yes, I was ecstatic more Diamonds had come, and it wasn’t just me who carried the burden of terrifying goddess anymore. 

Then Pink Diamond came. We knew of her long before she emerged. I believe one of my gemologists found her, growing well beneath the rock, near a field of flowers. I thought about her every day before she arrived. Whenever I returned to my chambers, my thoughts would stray back to that new Diamond. I wondered impatiently who she would be, what she would look like, if I would frighten her as much as I had the others. 

The second the rock began to crack, Yellow, Blue, and I rushed over. We exited the ship and stood a good distance away to give her enough space. I remember my head pounding and the sweat as it slid along my face. Blue took one of my hands and Yellow took the other. I shook. We all did. 

Then, finally, she burst forth. In a flash of light, she made destruction. Rocks and dust splattered everywhere like a hail storm. Eventually, the violence settled and there she was, this lovely pink thing with wild hair and a perfect stomach gem. 

I couldn’t help but cry. My stomach ached terribly from my nerves and she seemed so confused, but in the most unassuming way. Pink looked around—maybe she searched for us—and we came to her. When she first spotted us, she perked up immediately and ran our way—I swear she was glowing—and without even exchanging words, she practically jumped into my arms, both naked and shameless. 

Perhaps it’s because my eyes were damp, or perhaps she simply knew I needed her embrace, but we held one another with Yellow and Blue on either side of us, squeezing just as tightly. Pink giggled the entire time we surrounded her. 

“Look at you,” I said. “You’re so cute.” 

We looked into one another’s faces, and she kissed me on the cheek. I don’t know if she ever realized how much that meant to me. She had smiled, and without a moment’s hesitation, touched me so easily. 

“I’m glad you think so, but I wish you wouldn’t cry.” 

What she said made everything so much worse. I’m certain I looked hideous, carrying on like I did, but overcome as I was, I couldn’t stop my tears. 

“You’ll have to excuse White,” Yellow said. “She’s been waiting a long time. We all have.” 

“Oh—so this is White.” She kissed my cheek again. “So you must be Yellow—” She kissed her as well. “And you must be Blue—oh, no. Now you’re crying.” Pink looped an arm around her, and pressed her lips into one of Blue’s streams.

“We’re all happy you’re here, Pink.” 

“I’m happy to be here.”

I’m sorry. I have to stop for a moment. Thinking of that day brings back a lot of happy times that hurt to retread now. Those traitors couldn’t just be content with murdering her. They had to taint my memories too, so even thinking about her at all—as if keeping her memory alive isn’t hard enough—

I’m sorry. 

Let’s continue. 

All Diamonds know how to sing, even when they’re very young, but even so, it is a power that needs to be practiced and harnessed. I always ended up teaching the others, having had the longest amount of time to develop my own skills. Naturally, I taught Pink too.

Unlike Yellow, who overanalyzed, or Blue, who dwelled, Pink rushed right in when she sang. Even though she made numerous mistakes in the beginning, she would always try her best. I would sit at my instrument and press a note for her, and she might be an entire octave above or below whatever I had played. 

“Higher.”

She sang too high. 

“Better, but just a little bit lower than that.” 

She hit the flat of the note. 

“Just a half step higher.” 

Then she finally hit it and she sang beautifully. 

One day, after a particularly challenging lesson, she looked at me without a hint of upset on her face and said, “Wow. Singing is hard, White.” 

“Singing is hard.” I set my hand atop her head, flattening her soft, wild hair in the process. “But you’re doing well. Today was quite difficult, but you’re progressing. I’m proud of you.” 

She smiled, and I’m sure the sun came up somewhere. Her face developed a charming shade of dark pink and to that, I grinned back at her. 

“White, do you think you could sing a song for me?” 

“Oh, now why would I do that?” By that point, I had taken my hand back. 

“I want to sing like you one day. Whenever I hear you, it always motivates me to practice.” 

“Pink,” I said, “I’m flattered, but you can’t sing like me. We don’t have the same voice type.” 

“Oh.” She looked flattened. “So, I’ll never be as good?” 

“No, that’s not what I mean at all.” The thought of hurting Pink’s feelings makes my stomach ache to this very day. “Your goal shouldn’t be to sing like I do. I have no doubt that you’ll eventually be able to do it just as well, but our voices will always sound different, because you’re Pink Diamond, and I’m White. I’m here to help you develop your skills and make your voice sound beautiful, not so that it will sound like mine.” 

“Oh, okay.” She shook off the pain immediately. “Would you sing for me anyway?” 

“Alright. Do you have a request?” 

I sang for her, and she watched me the entire time, eyes filled with wonder I hadn’t seen for quite a few millennia. Blue and Yellow had grown used to my voice. They knew all of my tricks, and sometimes I swear I could see them almost sigh, as if to say, ‘oh look, there she goes again.’ I never meant to show off to them; singing is something I just love to do, but I suppose I can understand how it can get old. 

I’m old. 

But throughout her short existence, Pink never seemed sick of me. Even when I grew sick of myself, she always stayed optimistic, bright. Happy. 

After that day, she only continued improving. I watched and played alongside her as she hit higher and lower notes. She began to sing with vibrato and did so with the correct pitch. I gave her songs to learn and she learned them well, always coming back to me having practiced and memorized all the words. She still made mistakes, but they were passionate mistakes with great effort behind them. 

Once, we took a break near the window of my music room. It offered a view of space with many colors and stars inside it. A cloud of pink and purple stretched along the horizon, wearing the lights like a collection of jewels. Even though it was only stray space full of dust and particles, I never tired of looking at it, and that day, we admired it together. 

At some point, Pink reached over to take my hand. The sensation shocked me at first. I hadn’t expected it, but I didn’t draw away. Instead, I turned to look at her and found her grinning at me. 

“Sorry,” she said. “You were so lovely just now.” 

“Oh, stop. You don’t need to charm me.” 

“Well, alright.” Pink came a little closer. “In that case, I’d like to kiss you.” 

“You don’t normally ask.” 

“I’m not asking to kiss your cheek.” She winked at me, and before I could reply, pressed our mouths together briefly. I could feel her giggle before she stepped back.

I pulled away. 

“White—” 

“I’m not angry at you—” I put my hand up to stop her speaking. “I just don’t understand.” 

“What is there to understand? I wanted to share a kiss with you.” 

“But why?” 

“I don’t know.” She gave me an odd smile. “You’re beautiful and talented. I just wanted to…I don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry, White.” 

“No one has ever kissed me on the lips before.” My body, at that moment, tingled. Heat rose to my face, and I’m sure I looked uncharacteristically flustered. 

“White, I had no idea. I thought for sure you would have—” Her face darkened as she trailed off. Pink couldn’t look me in the eyes any longer and opted for glancing into space. “It was rude of me to take that from you. I should have asked first.” 

“You did ask, but you didn’t wait for my answer.” 

Pink didn’t reply to that; not immediately, anyway. Eventually, she said, “I should have waited, I’m sorry, White.” 

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it, Pink. Let’s get back to the lesson.” 

I don’t regret having my first kiss with Pink, nor do I blame her for not understanding my circumstances. If I were her, I would make the same assumption. That White Diamond is awfully old; she must have kissed someone by now. But I hadn’t. Who would I have I kissed? Neither Blue nor Yellow had feelings toward me, and I’m not one to go about kissing common gems, and certainly not on the mouth.

But when I had come back to my chamber that day, I sat and thought for a long time against my cushion. The moment when Pink Diamond pressed her lips to mine replayed time and time again. The sensation she gave me was hardly unpleasant, but her motivation and emotions still confused me. Had Pink wanted to kiss me a long time? Had she developed a crush on me and kept it a secret until that day? Or had she really just been struck with the urge like she had suggested? On top of all that, how did I feel? 

I kept coming to the conclusion that I wanted to experience it again. The kiss she gave me practically didn’t count; it ended in milliseconds. Perhaps then, the spark I felt between us could have the chance to develop into a flame and I would know for certain. 

Pink came back to me again for another voice lesson, and she seemed apologetic and slightly quieter than usual. We had seen one another after the last time, but not alone. 

I greeted her as I always would, and we began our warm up. After several minutes, she seemed to calm and return to her normal self, bubbly and happy to sing. 

Toward the end of the lesson, I asked her, “Pink, do you want to try and play my instrument?” 

“Really?” 

“Yes. Here, come sit next to me.” 

She took a place at my side and I took her hands and placed them upon the keys. “You usually start here—and if you like you can put your other hand there—yes, good.” I had wrapped an arm around her, so that I could guide her. “Why don’t you press some of the keys down?” 

Just as she played a discordant sound, I kissed her, and felt her laughter again. Pink took her fingers from the instrument to wrap her arms around me and our mouths separated for a moment. 

“You’re not angry with me.” 

“Even if I were, I couldn’t stay that way.” Our lips met again, briefly. “I was surprised last time, but I thought about it, and I’d like to kiss you more.” 

She leaned forward to bridge the gap, and we remained that way for several long seconds. 

Neither one of us knew what we were doing. She had opened her mouth to deepen the kiss, but I caught on too late, and we stopped to start over again. I think we were both nervous. Between attempts, Pink laughed, and eventually our tongues met and slid past one another. 

That felt especially nice. 

Pink held me close the entire time, even when we had to rearrange our faces to find a better angle. I recall a few of her fingers making their way into my hair and wrapping strands around themselves. I must have held her just as tightly. If I focus hard enough, I can still remember what it felt like, to share a kiss with her as she made tiny knots in my hair. She left me with my cheeks entirely grey and my clothes smelling like her sunshine, flowers, and dirt. 

We separated and stared at the color we had painted onto one another’s faces. My tongue felt raw and sensitive, but had she wanted to continue, I would have without hesitation. 

We did, however, stop there. 

“Thank you, White,” she said. “That was lovely.” 

I touched a strand of her wild hair that had settled near her cheek. “Thank you, Pink. This was your idea, after all.” 

“Maybe, but it’s not like I could do it without you.” She kissed the tip of my nose. “I’ll see you next time?” 

“Of course. Please practice your music.” I kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you next time.” 

I thought about Pink a lot between our lessons. She had a way of coming to mind, especially when I sat alone and tried to work. She would wash over me like a fever, and I would be stranded there, with my body on fire and the memory of her lips against mine. 

During meetings, we might sneak one another looks from across the table. She would grin. Once, she had winked, quickly, to avoid drawing too much attention.

Slowly, we both grew better at kissing. After every lesson, we would end up latching our mouths together, and each time they fit together a little more easily. 

Sometimes, the wait seemed so long between sessions, and I remember one time in particular when she arrived to my music room. Before she could come to my instrument, I connected our lips. I wanted her badly that day. Pink never protested. She giggled like she always did, but she never denied me, even though, looking back, it was ridiculous to begin kissing someone without even greeting them. 

Perhaps she wanted it just as much, because on that day, her hands smoothed along my hips and her nails nearly scratched holes in my outfit. 

“Oh, White. You’re so beautiful.” 

“You’re sweet, Pink.” 

She wanted to say more. I could feel it in the way her fingertips wrung little knots into my leggings. 

I placed my palm against her neck. “You want to ask me a question.” 

“I don’t know if it’s a question.” 

“Well, what is it?” I could hear her gulp. The warmth of her blush radiated from her face. “Pink, are you thinking something lewd?” 

She released something between a gasp and a sigh. “Maybe.” 

Despite my surprise at her kiss, this didn’t come as a shock at all. Pink came at the end of a long line of gems who were curious about my naked body. Yet, the only ones who had ever seen me were a few of my Pearls. They liked to whisper about my measurements; I’m sure they gossiped to other members of my court. I’ve caught numerous pairs of small eyes looking me up and down (but mostly up), and I suppose if I had a Diamond to serve, I might stare at her curves myself. 

Had I not seen Pink on the day she emerged, I would have been curious about her too. 

“Are you telling me that you want to look at my body, Pink?” 

“Is that alright?” She took a step back, so we could glance into one another’s faces. Despite her request, she looked right into my eyes, honestly. “I didn’t want to touch you without asking first, or ogle you. If you decided to show me, I would admire you, because your body is a gift, White.”

I slapped her playfully on her left cheek—not enough to hurt, but she did look surprised. “Alright, Charmer,” I said. “Since you asked so nicely, I might allow you to see. Let’s finish our lesson first. Then we can talk.” 

“Yes, Ma’am.” 

“Did you practice?” 

She nodded against my open hand, eyes glittering. Pink seemed stunned, and remained a moment after I left to sit at my instrument. 

We didn’t make it halfway through the lesson before we both sat at the bench, hooking our mouths together. 

“Come with me.” 

I lead her to my innermost room, where we sat upon my cushion and undressed one another. Our hands quivered in between kisses. Pink’s face had grown so saturated, and I’m sure mine had too. 

Once she removed all of the clothing from my upper half, I covered my breasts. I felt as though my body had caught fire, and all I could do was stare listlessly at Pink, who displayed her uncovered form with ease. 

“White, are you okay?” She reached out, to touch my arm. “We can stop if—”

“No, I’m alright. I’m just feeling a little shy.” 

“Well—you look beautiful.” Despite the situation, she left a chaste kiss against my cheek. “Would it be easier for you to touch me?” 

“Perhaps.” My open hand brushed past her collarbone. “I think I’d like you to touch me too.” 

“Okay. Just let me know if it gets to be too much.” 

Pink was so gentle. She handled my breasts as though she might break them and touched the rest of me lightly. What we did back then would hardly be satisfying now, but at the time I felt intoxicated. I don’t even remember how long we spent together, but it seemed like an eternity. 

We made one another climax with our fingers before stopping, because at that point, both of us had other matters to attend to. I walked to the main entrance of my chambers, and we said goodbye to one another numerous times amongst continuous hugs and kisses. 

Being with Pink made me feel young. After living for so many millennia, I had found sensations with her that I hadn’t experienced before. I began to long for our time alone together. We would still have lessons, of course, but afterward, we would go to my room and touch one another as we had the first time. 

Pink was always eager, but reverent. She never treated me with any kind of savage thirst, nor did she ever seem to grow bored of being together. That’s a quality of hers I miss. 

One day, all of the Diamonds attended a meeting about a new batch of planets some of our astronomers had found. We sat in our normal positions at the table, which placed me across from Pink and next to Yellow and Blue. I began our meeting with a few announcements and brought up the topic of our conversation, as I usually did. All three of the others listened, but I couldn’t help but notice Blue frequently glancing to Pink, who always smiled back. There was something furtive in Blue’s expression—a certain glow to her cheeks, a kind of twinkle in her sad eyes every time she looked over. 

I lost track of what I was saying on several occasions, only to have Yellow Diamond correct me or cut me off with a question. From there, our meeting commenced as every other before it had. 

Even just talking to Blue from that day forward, I could tell she had fallen in love. I once invited her over for tea in the midst of it all and she couldn’t quite focus. Her mind always drifted to somewhere and someone else. Her cheeks wore a perpetual blush and she sparkled even more strongly than she had before. 

I had caught them in the halls once, with their arms linked and everyone in their courts saluting as they passed by. All the present gems began to do the same for me, but those two never turned around. They were too busy laughing with one another. 

I won’t bother lying. I was hurt, and it wasn’t so much because Pink loved someone else, but because she never spoke to me about it. At the time, a cloud of jealousy clouded my mind, and I arrived home that evening only to begin weeping. I frightened my poor Pearls, and dismissed them to be alone. 

In hindsight, I don’t know that I had fallen in love with Pink. As I began to calm down, I realized that Pink and I had never promised ourselves to one another. I wouldn’t dare call her my girlfriend, and my affection for her never became romantic, even though I did love her. Perhaps she never thought to tell me that Blue Diamond had fallen for her, or that they had coupled in the way that we had. Pink was certainly naïve, but she never meant to hurt anyone. She might have been careless with my, and even Blue’s feelings, but these mistakes never came out of being vindictive. 

Pink came to me for a normal lesson after we hadn’t spoken for several long days. I sat at my instrument, refusing to turn and look at her. Even though I couldn’t see her, I knew she approached slowly and reproachfully by the sound of her steps. 

“White, are we going to have a lesson today?” Her voice came out more quietly than usual. 

I took a long time to answer. “Do you do the same things with Blue Diamond that you do with me?” 

She didn’t respond.

I turned to look her in the eyes. “Have you told her about our relationship? I’m sure she would be heartbroken—”

“Blue doesn’t know.” She took in the sight of her feet, unable to meet my gaze any longer. 

“She’s in love with you, Pink, and she deserves your honesty. You shouldn’t play with either of our emotions. This isn’t a game.” 

“I didn’t think it was.” 

“Then what are you doing?” I nearly slammed my fist onto a few unfortunate keys. “I thought I meant more to you than that.” 

“You mean a lot to me, White. So does Blue. I never intended for this to happen.” 

“Well, here we are, regardless of your intentions. Did you also intend for me not to figure it out?” 

“No, I just didn’t think it was a big deal—” She sighed. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.” 

“‘I’m sorry’ is a good start.” I stood. “On second thought, Pink, don’t tell Blue. You’ll only hurt her. I’m going to make this easy. We won’t be making love any longer. Please don’t kiss me again. I still need to teach you to sing, so I expect you to continue coming here for that, but that’s all. I can’t control what you do, but you should keep yourself exclusive to Blue. And if you’ve already started fucking Yellow, I suggest you choose one. That will be all.” 

“I’m not fucking Yellow.” Her voice practically tapped me on the shoulder. 

“Come again?” 

“I’m not fucking Yellow.” 

“Well then, I suppose your choice is easy. Be sure not to start. Yellow is much harsher with liars than I am.”

“I’m sorry I hurt you.” 

I continued walking before I began to cry. 

Poor Pink. I now have no doubt she meant what she said, but back then I felt betrayed. Believing I had been cheated, I didn’t care to hear her out. We moved on. I continued to teach her to sing; Blue fell deeper in love, and eventually, I forgave her. 

Only a couple hundred years after that, she died. Instead of breaking just one of our hearts, she broke all three. We’re still lost in the aftermath of that fateful day when we learned the news. 

I think back to that time and wonder if I could have approached it differently. Perhaps she, Blue, and I could have talked about what had happened. It’s possible Blue wouldn’t have been entirely heartbroken; maybe we could have worked something out. 

I hope that Pink understood I forgave her. With the short time she had been alive, she didn’t deserve to spend it in purgatory, wondering how I felt. I still believe she handled the situation poorly, but she was worthy of my honesty, too. I loved her. She was a light in all of our lives that those damn rebels extinguished. At first, I wanted her brightness to myself, but if sharing somehow meant still having her around, I would do it in a snap of the fingers. 

Ultimately, none of that matters. Even Diamonds can’t make bargains with death. Now we have no choice but to accept the past and live with our regrets. I desperately wish I could tell her I forgave her. Sometimes I imagine holding her close and I can nearly feel her soft skin and her wild, fluffy hair against my face. But all of that is just one more conversation and one more embrace her passing took from me. 

Sometimes I feel just as broken. There are so many songs I can no longer sing.


End file.
